He came inside me again. And as usual he's already sleeping. Atleast today he lasted for only 3 minutes. Where's that towel again, I have to wipe myself and go change my 6 months old son's diapers. Is there any more left?

I wanted to ask him for money to buy pampers but as soon as he came inside the house he just undressed me and laid me before I could say anything and now here he is sleeping. Maybe I should go ask Mama for 700bob to go buy pampers.

I have no friends and the neighbours look at me very funny. I wonder what they'll say when they find out I'm also HIV positive. I tried telling my mother once but she slapped me. She always slaps me when she gets drunk. Which is everyday. They call me "malaya" here and everyone laughs at me whenever I walk past them. They always talking about me. According to them I'm a loose slut. 19 years old school dropout with 4 children and oh did I forget to tell you I'm 5 weeks pregnant.. again?

I know what you are thinking. I'm disgusting. I know, you are not the only one that tells me that. I hear it everyday. Every hour. Sometimes Mama wakes me up just to slap me and tell me how I'm an embarrassment to her and how she wishes I could just take my kids and leave her crib. She tells me everyday how she wishes she never gave birth to me and that she's always praying me and my rotten kids could just die.

I've thought about that a lot of times. Killing myself I mean. But who will take care of my kids when I'm gone? My 5 year old especially. I've seen how he looks at her this days. I can never kill myself or even kill my kids. They are all i have in this world. No one can ever take that away from me. I've thought of leaving as well. But where can I, a pregnant teenager go with 4 kids? Is it my fault I was born a girl? Is it my fault I was born beautiful?

I look around the room again and I see my 5 year old daughter there by the door. Oh my god, for how long has she been standing there? Did she see everything that happened? I call her closer and I notice she's scared, "What is it my baby?" I ask her. She looks up into my eyes and sees my tears. "Has grandpa hurt you again Ma?". I pull her closer and hug her tighter while trying to hold back my tears.

How do I tell my daughter that my biological father is also her biological father? How do I make her forget that she has seen my biological father rape me again for the hundredth time ever since I was 14 years old?

How will she cope when my biological father tires of me and starts raping her instead? Does she understand that our father is a respected man in this community? Who will believe a "malaya" over the Speaker of the County Assembly?

Last year he pointed a gun at me and said if I tell anyone he will kill me... my very own father is the father of all my 4 children including the one in my stomach now plus the 3 I miscarried when he beat me... But what do you care? You have already judged me.

I guess it is my fault after all. I should have "chosen" to be born a boy. I should have fought back my strong adult father harder even though i was a skinny 14 year old when he started. It's ALL my fault.

It's all my fault.